In an annual aching, traditional sadness. This recognition of those who fly towards the clouds. I am placed within my hometown. Seeking time. Finding stability. Only to come back to a shaky rushed environment. The sun rises too early and I break my slumber mold to wash away the midnight oils. Scrub the yesterdays if you will. Classic attire, to prove personality to myself, no need for others to challenge. Stall my voice for the asphalt paved paths. And crack the morning dryness of my throat as I leave the car. A restaurant smells of overcooked grease and men who lack the commonality of deodorant usage. The ones outside whisper through the breathes of their cigarettes. Ignorant of previous traumatic events. Our colony is placed in the corner to muffle the unnecessary loud conversation. Orders misplaced. Accents misunderstood. Investments spilled upon jeans and jackets, discouraged thoughts with no right to judge. My coffee burns my tongue, so I push it aside. Orange juice stings the wound until I'm left with a mouth too heartbroken to speak. Food is mediocre, but the cash is being spent so I sweep it within. Sniffle and collect myself out the door. The direction is forgotten, U turn and discovered. Wander through the concrete memorials placed in the grass. Imagining the depths of shame. blame. confusion. delusion. whatever followed each last breath. Sad lyrics fall into my head so I sing pass the fallen. We stare. remember. reflect. and place sunglasses upon our eyes doubting the clouded sky. No arms can fully communicate goodbyes. But they try. And so do I.
I spent the morning creeping under a cotton shield. Lowering the force for dear breathes to harshly escape. There are no moments I wish my body turned and broke this laziness trance that shattered motivation and took opportunities. My voice left a couple days ago without saying goodbye, just packed up his bags filled with songs and helpful advice, and left. I hope that he may return but as these days have preceded, he still has yet to call. But it is typical, he comes and goes every year. This may chance my hopes of benefiting from my words. So I will wait patiently for his return. I appeared later on in the evening nearly cynical, but shrugged off my surroundings and consumed to pass time. As night meets with me, just like everyday, I will spend it accomplishing more than I could of shared with daytime. To be brutally honest, daytime just kind of passes by. Maybe the moon will take a vacation and the sun and clouds will pay me a visit. But until then, I will sit and drink tea with the stars, because they seem to make me smile much more than I can ask of the clouded sky.
To of which there is silence, there is noise. I feel that every moment where i can find solitude and humility, i am struck down with a crashing force of labor or trials. Where is the freedom of grace or the desire for a well paved flat road. guess there is no excitement within the smooth grain. Friction causes temptation to chain yourself to the happenings that cause you to pull. So in these surroundings where i am able to see light among a cave of darkness. i will sit and struggle to dig through the rocks causing my hands to run dry. what i try to express through these emotions is that even though i know life is a continuance of trouble, i will still try until i can break within the scene of happiness. For what is life without the effort to try for the thing that seems impossible. How do we know that it is out of reach without leaping for it, without using a ladder or a rocket. In every moment where we are knee deep in sorrow, there is someone who is neck deep in crisis and turmoil. I feel i must show the world that there is more. I will try to portray that. You will try to understand it. My stories are words of emotions unheard. We try to convey the things we don't say. But listen and view, each dream you pursue may never come true. But those dreams make you... you.
The new year arrived about 9 days ago. So happy new year to those who enjoyed a day of drunken regrets. countdown kisses and changing your lifestyles for a so called "better life." My resolution was to live a natural life. this doesn't mean a strict herbal life. what i intend to do is, reduce the intake of waste that i consume daily. such as junk/fast food, lies, judgment, and false hope. What i plan to do is act how i truly feel without holding anything back. since this is a new year, i want to kick old habits of hoping and failing. instead break through the core of desire and strive for dreams. So what i am announcing publicly is really significant. a plan to basically establish my future. an innovation of saying and not doing. and you will be happy to hear it... when i tell you. stay tuned.